Having The Talk: Tips For Parents & Caregivers
- Abiya Syed
- Jan 2, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 29, 2024
All the parents and caregivers I know are familiar with the moment their child asks a question they don’t know how to answer. At age six, I asked my grandmother how sex worked, because the encyclopedia I was reading didn’t explain it in enough detail. She was, naturally, horrified, and didn’t answer my query. I’m definitely not alone in this situation, and neither is she.
These days, with the internet, young people have many more avenues to stumble upon information that may be difficult for them to process or understand, and their natural response will be to ask questions to people they trust. Although it is easy to dismiss these “inappropriate” questions, it is important to support your child’s curiosity and give them accurate information that will help keep them safe, so they do not turn to the internet or their friends for answers.[1] Here are three science-backed pieces of advice for having the talk, from a teenager’s perspective.
Answer All Their Questions, Age-Appropriately
The first thing for parents and caregivers to remember is to foster an environment for open and honest communication.[2] Your child should never hesitate to ask you questions, whether it be about information they’ve stumbled across, a change in their body, or something they need. This is built over many years, and starts with reacting to their questions appropriately.
Listen to your child’s question in its entirety. What are they really asking? Questions like, “Where do babies come from?” can simply be answered by naming the body parts in question. Treating these questions as moments of curiosity instead of with the taboos and stigmas we associate with them as grown-ups is important to ensuring they do not grow up with the same shame. It also shows them that you, as the parent or caregiver, are a safe person to come to with questions, which allows you to give them medically accurate information throughout their life.
And if you don’t know the answer, it’s alright to say so. It is better to admit that you don’t have all the knowledge than tell your child something that is incorrect. If they are old enough, you could also take this moment to teach them how to search for reliable information online, and show them how they can find answers independently. Sometimes, you or your child speaking with a medical professional or therapist may be helpful or required.
Be the One to Initiate the Conversation
Another thing parents and caregivers should remember is to have these conversations early. Science shows that when children as young as kindergarten age are taught the medically accurate names for their private parts, as well as who is allowed to see or touch these body parts, they are much less likely to be the victim of molestation or abuse.[3] 71% of young girls in India do not know about menstruation before they get their first period, which can lead to creating shame and stigma around natural events.[4] Ensuring your child has age-appropriate information about their bodies allows them to assert their boundaries, tell you when something is wrong, and be calm when confronted with normal bodily processes. It also ensures they aren’t getting their information from unreliable online sources or their friends.
It is also important to keep these conversations going throughout their life. Starting from consent, bodily autonomy, and the accurate names for their body parts in kindergarten, to discussions about puberty, hygiene, and body image in middle school, and finally with conversations surroundings relationships, sexual health, and boundaries in high school, at every point in their life, you should be letting them know what’s going on with their body and teach them to make the right choices. Keeping the conversation open allows them to see these topics as natural, instead of a taboo subject that is discussed once then never again. It also allows them to ask questions as they arise comfortably.
These conversations can be both planned for when you’re alone without other people, can arise due to questions they’ve asked, or happen during moments you think are relevant, such as during a movie.[5] Make sure to be prepared for these situations, to be flexible, and to table a discussion when required.
Actually Having The Talk - Talk About Sex
From "Sex Education 101: The Conversations You Should Be Having With Your Kids (2023)" [6]
Science shows that children whose parents or caregivers talk to them about sex are more likely to delay intercourse and have safer sexual practices.[7] It’s important to let your child know possible situations, their options, and the risks, so that even if you don’t know what they’re getting up to, you know that they are aware of the reality of the situation and that they’re being safe.
Most teens also share their values about sex with their parents, so make sure you’re as honest about your own priorities and experiences as you are able to be.[8] In case your experiences were not the best, explain to your child why, and allow them to see how better choices could have been made. Ensure your child is aware they can always access medical care if and when they need it, for whatever circumstance.
In case your child tells you something that is alarming, ensure you remain calm, and address the situation with as much delicacy as possible. Your child approached you because they trust you, and it is important to honor that fact, and to make sure you continue to be someone they can come to when they need it.
Keeping an honest and open line of communication with your child is the most important thing, and that may look different for everyone. Whether that be texting each other, talking in the car so you don’t have to look at each other, dinner table conversations for intimacy, or discussions in the doctor’s office, it is important to have a safe space where you can tell your child the things they need to know, and they can ask you questions when they need to. Remember that, above all, you are a team, and as long as both sides are honest, non-judgmental, and calm, you can navigate this situation together in the way that works best for your child and family.
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